Bereavement
by Sharn-sharn
Summary: You were gone, and I was alone. How could I ever forgive myself?


**This is a challenge for CloudClan.**

 **. . .**

I miss you.

I woke up today, and you weren't there. I didn't feel your solid warmth pressing into my side; I didn't your tail coiling around mine and your paws tangling with mine.

It's cold and windy, just like _that day_. It takes everything in me not to shiver in disgust. Or do something even worse to myself.

I hate myself even more for thinking that. I'm the big brother, the one supposed to _protect_ you. _Not_ the other way around. I feel guilt and shame, now more than ever.

Can you believe it's only been a moon since it happened?

I remember that day with perfect clarity.

It was cold and windy, _just like today_ , and you were off somewhere. I remember thinking to myself, ' _Seriously, he_ _ **still**_ _wants to be a medicine cat?_ ' You were nowhere to be found, and so I assumed you were off somewhere with Flintfoot, collecting herbs like you usually did.

You were kind-spirited and gentle. I was rough and demanding. You wanted to become a medicine cat. I wanted you to become a warrior, so we'd always be together.

That was my first mistake.

Assuming that you wanted to become a warrior, I mean.

You weren't suited for that lifestyle. You never were. You were too kind and gentle to hurt another cat, even _if_ it was in a battle.

I knew I couldn't always be there to watch your back. And it was that day that I remember thinking that I should just tell you I'd always support you. No matter what.

You were nowhere to be found, though.

You were always like that, disappearing off into nothing. It used to drive Mother crazy when we were kits. She would think that you would be hiding in an unused corner of the nursery, when, in reality, you were in the dirt-place. You never ventured out of camp, though.

You had always been a playful kit, all smiles and squeals and laughs. I was the exact opposite. I wasn't as gentle, nor as kind as you. I still made time for you, though. You were and always will be my little brother.

But, after you met Flintfoot properly for the first time, you began to change. You became more serious and smiled less often than you used to. You developed an interest in medicine. You became interested in how one herb could cure a broken bone, or how to safely deliver a kit.

You were happier than I'd ever seen you.

Though, as always, I had to ruin that.

I didn't want you to become a medicine cat. I wanted you to become a warrior, so we'd be together always. I wanted my brother with me. Maybe loneliness was the driving force, maybe not. I just didn't want to be alone. I could count the toes of my paws in how many friends I possessed.

It wasn't a lot at all.

You didn't have many friends either. But you didn't need them. You were completely absorbed in your work, but you still had time for a kind word with our Clanmates.

You loved them.

I did, too.

I know it doesn't excuse what I put you through when we were kits, and then apprentices. I just wanted the best for you, and I truly believed in what I was doing.

You didn't like it. But you were so kind, so gentle, _so loving_ , that you followed my lead wherever I went.

I know now why.

You were just idolizing your older brother.

I wasn't much older than you, but you still _idolized_ me.

I loved you, and I still do.

 _That day_ tore me apart.

It was an attack on our Clan. But not what you may think. Of course, you know, seeing as you were there.

Badgers came from one direction, and foxes from the other.

I have no idea how such an attack was coordinated, but we were slaughtered quickly. I remember that Mother was torn out right from under me. My paws are still stained with her blood.

But then you, you with your gentle, reassuring smile and kind eyes, stepped in front of me.

I had no idea what happened until I heard the snarl of the badger and the sickening ' _squelch_ ' as its claws ripped into you.

You had no time to scream. You just fell to the ground, your eyes unseeing and a huge puddle of blood steadily forming around you.

And I did something I regret still to this day.

I ran.

 _I ran_.

I'm sorry I couldn't be brave like you. You _sacrificed_ yourself for me. You shouldn't have done that. It should be _my_ body that's a rotting carcass on the ground. Not yours. _Never yours._

But it is.

And I left you there.

I wallow in my guilt even as leaf-bare approaches.

Is that why it's so cold lately?

Maybe I'll just freeze to death, and then my shame and guilt in not being able to save you will finally fade away. For good this time.

I know that I probably won't be seeing you in StarClan, because I _know_ that's where you've gone. You're too kind-hearted and gentle to go anywhere else.

I love you.

You are my little brother, and it should be _me_ who is that carcass right now. _Not you_. I should have sacrificed myself for you. I should not have been such a coward and run. I should have died fighting and proud.

Just like you.

 _You_ fought until the very end. StarClan, you even _died_ for me, and I know that I will never be able to repay that debt.

You were my brother until the very end, and I hope you know that.

I miss you.

 _Larchpaw._


End file.
